I have so much to be thankful for in my life: my health, my family, my career, my friends. I truly appreciate all the wonderful things the universe has brought to me. Still, I find myself so many times in a state of wanting more… wanting to be better, to be healthier, more active, more successful. I want to weigh less, be more comfortable in my own skin. Even though I say I want these things, I don’t seem to be able to bring them to fruition. I feel frustrated, stressed and angry a lot of the time. When I feel those feelings, I just want to feel better. That makes me seek immediate gratification. i.e. food, sweets, alcohol…. Afterwards, I feel the same anger and frustration with an added sense of failure. I’m so sick of this repeated pattern. I need something different.
It seems easy that if I want a different outcome, I should change my behavior but sometimes emotions overtake my good sense and I just want to do/eat/have something that makes me feel better. I know it’s only a temporary fix but at the moment, I don’t care. I care afterwards… the self-loathing. It’s the poor example I’m setting for my children, all the negatives that go with poor choices. I can’t seem to find anything in life that makes me feel calm and happy. WHY?? …. Maybe I’m more afraid of MEETING my goal than the familiarity of not meeting it….Maybe my biggest fear is that if I lose this weight and STILL don’t find happiness, where do I go from there? What happens if losing the weight doesn’t make me happy?
I feel like my life would be better for sure though, like I wouldn’t hate going shopping and might even enjoy it. I wouldn’t feel self-conscious eating in front of people. I would love to be able to put on anything, anytime, anywhere and in front of anyone and be comfortable. I’ve always had a hard time looking at myself in front of the mirror in a bra and underwear. I purposely avoid it. I don’t want to face what my body looks like. Ruins my day… It would be nice to look in the mirror and actually like and be proud of what I see. I would like to be able to get on the scale and not be freaked out by a number. I would like to “feel” like doing more things. Have more energy. I feel defeated. It sucks that at a time in your life when you have the means to start enjoying your life, you feel incapable of doing the things you want to do. I want to feel attractive again. I feel like when you’re over-weight , people look past you. They don’t notice you.
What I really want is to feel “seen” again. To feel good about myself when I go places but also to feel good about the way I look wherever I am.
I'm tired of feeling like I’m a failure at this. I seem to be able to accomplish everything else I want. Can’t figure out why this is so hard. I do everything right and it doesn’t seem to help. I feel really frustrated….PLEASE HELP!
Shelley Johnson is the Creator & Founder of The Losing Coach®.
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